A PHENOMENOLOGICAL INQUIRY OF THE LIVED EXPERIENCES OF MALE HOMOSEXUAL

The number of homosexuals in Indonesia continues to rise each year. In Padang, there were 662 men with gay sexual orientation. This qualitative study aimed to determine the practice of life as homosexuals. This phenomenological study described the lived experience of men with homosexuality. The participants of this study were six men with same-sex sexual orientation who lived in Padang and could communicate in Bahasa or Minangnese language. They were collected using snowball sampling techniques. The results of this study were analyzed using the Colaizzi method. The results of this study obtained eight themes, namely the causes of same-sex relationships, early experiences in relationships, the process of partner selection, potential physical and psychosocial problems, self-concept of sexual orientation, the roles of parents and mothers, and stabilization of gender status choices. Of these 8 themes, the initial causes of having a relationship were the most dominant experiences. All participants expressed the beginning of being homosexual just for fun, starting pleasure, and influenced by friends. Besides, the relationship process such as how to get a partner, location, and sexual relationship constraints in most participants had also included in the discussion.


INTRODUCTION
Nationally, homosexuals make up 1% of the total population of Indonesia. As many as 5.7 million Indonesians admit that they are homosexuals (Handayani, 2013). Based on data obtained from the Padang AIDS Commission (KPA), there were 261 homosexual men in 2014 and in 2015 there were 662 homosexual men in the city of Padang.
Family factors can also construct a person to become homosexual, especially in inharmonious families. For instance, a cruel father figure may lead a person to become a homosexual. Environmental factors (social construction) greatly affect the development of a child including the formation or selection of his sexual orientation, for example, how parents take care of children, relationships between families, social settings and friendships. Edwards (2006) states parenting is the interactions of children and parents that educate, guide, and drill and protect children to achieve maturity in accordance with existing norms in society." Parental assistance is realized through education in which parents refine their children.
The results of Nugroho's study (2009) explained that the factors of being a homosexual were influenced by both internal and environmental factors that existed around the subject. One of the triggers was homosexual experiences in childhood and the influence of less harmonious parenting. Based on the results of this study, it was found that family harmony and environmental factors need to be conducive so that deviant behaviour can be minimized. Moreover, he discussed the concept of self, namely the subject feels aware that he is male but adores men sexually and feels more secure and comfortable in dealing with men. In this case, information about early sexual education is crucially edified so that the child understands gender and when the gender is pooled with the opposite sex. The results of the interview on April 7 th , 2016 with 2 people who were determined to become homosexuals were that the factor of past sexual harassment experience alongside the absence of a father's role and a mother's superfluous role in the family play a huge part in the decision.
Numerous problems arise when they decide to become a homosexual, one of which is a relationship with their family that turns out to be inharmonious because they are considered as a disgrace to their family.
Based on the described phenomena, the researcher hopes that the results of this research on homosexuals will help build empathy on the life experiences of a homosexual. This research is classified as qualitative research using descriptive approach phenomenology that articulates or portrays the life experience of a man with homosexuality.

METHOD
This is a qualitative research with descriptive phenomenology studies. This study aims to observe and find out information that is told or described by participants about their life experiences as homosexuals. The participants involved in this research were 6 people. The technique of getting participants as a sample of the study is by using snowball sampling which is a method where samples were obtained through a written process from one respondent to another respondent.
Other criteria for participants in this study to be men with same-sex sexual orientation, domiciled in the city of Padang, able to communicate in Indonesian and/or Minang (Padang). The instruments used in this study are several questions about homosexual life experiences, which were used by peer interview guides as references during interviews, voice recorders to record all conversations during interviews, field notes revealing field notes, written notes of what is heard, seen, experienced, and thought in the context of data collection and reflection in qualitative research.
After conducting interviews with participants the researchers began to collect data. The researchers met one homosexual male who became the first participant during the study beginning with the orientation phase, introductions that made participants comfortable telling their story to the researchers, filling information as evidence of participants' willingness to be interviewed and agreed on the rules during the study proceeded later to the work phase, which was to start an interview over a period of 25-30 minutes to explore participants 'experiences as homosexuals and end the termination phase by evaluating participants' feelings and contract time to meet again to reclarify the entire statement poured in the form of verbatim. Analysis of data and processing by collecting all the results of interviews then processed using the Colaizzi method. This study first obtained ethical clearances with no. PE.07.2016 which is the dampness of research because humans were used as research samples. Furthermore, the results of interviews were compiled by describing the results of the record in verbatim form, namely writing all the words during the interview process. Arrangement of interview result is done by describing the results of the record in verbatim form, which is writing all the words during the interview process.
The results of field notes obtained during the interview took the form of nonverbal responses that were shown by participants and integrating them into in transcripts, then choosing keywords that had almost the same meaning to group them into categories. The same categories and groups of researchers are subthemes. Furthermore, the sub-themes are grouped into potential themes. The final step is writing all the results of the analysis in the form of descriptive narrative from the results of the study. The researcher prepared the research report clearly in a detailed, reliable, and systematic manner so that others who read the results of this study can easily understand it, to increase the possibility of applying the results of the study.

Theme 1:
Causes of similar relationships In this theme the category is the influence of friends who have been dominated by the invitation of previous friends who have been exposed to deviant sexual activities and also exposure to social media. As the participants revealed that those who previously did not understand about this activity became aware of the invitation from friends and information about gay and also how to get a partner through social media.
It was revealed by Demartoto (2013) that a person's sexual behaviour can also be influenced by one's relationship with others, by the environment and culture in which the individual lives. In line with Foucault's (2013) thought, the changes in a person's behaviour depend on sexual education around his environment. This means that someone can shift their sexual orientation, be it homosexual, bisexual or even heterosexual. The social construction that forms sexual identity consists of sexual orientation, sexual identity and sexual behaviour.
There were three participants in this study who did similar relationships due to influence from friends. The influence of friends that arises is where participants are seduced and invited to engage in deviant sexual relations. The initial response that arises when a participant has an intimate relationship was that the participant feels uncomfortable, but because the participant is unable to refuse, the deviant sexual relationship is carried out. This sexual relationship was carried out many times so that the participants appeared addicted.
Participants take advantage of the current development and technological sophistication to acquire acquaintances or partners who have a sexual orientation of homosexual through social media.
The statement was supported by research conducted by Nurdin (2011), Homosexual Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) people have tried to open up through internet media, for instance.
These technological developments provide space for LBGT in fighting for their rights. In social life so far, it has been very difficult for them to gain recognition of their identity and most even ended in rejection and scourge against these homosexuals.
The results of the study found 3 participants stating that they obtained information and got homosexual partners through social media, such as Facebook, WeChat, BBM, Ohaio. According to researchers, the cause of a person having a homosexual orientation is the lack of early sex education which causes participants to not know when there are things that should not be done in the form of wrong sexual activity. In addition, the misuse of social media in making internet access is also a cause that can lead to someone becoming interested and wanting to try out homosexuality.

Theme 2:
Early experience related The initial experience related to the participants' feelings included physical responses, namely the treatment of feeling until finally having sexual intercourse, the psychological response conveyed by participants in the form of addictive expressions, comfort, and forms of attention given by partners and feeling awkward.
This study has 4 participants giving statements about their initial experiences being affected by physical responses, psychological responses awkwardness. The form of sexual activity carried out by homosexuals is the same to that of heterosexual couples. They have sexual relations and also have their own roles, top acts as men and both as women. They tend to engage in anal sex and oral sex activities in gaining satisfaction to fulfil their sexual needs. This form of homosexual relationship is also fostered by the feeling of comfort in relating and the form of attention given by the couple so that participants still want to carry out this homosexual orientation. As Demartoto (2013) stated, sexual orientation is one of the four components of sexuality that consists of emotional, romantic, sexual and affection in a person in a particular sex. The three components of sexuality are biological sex, gender identity (male and female psychological meaning) and gender roles (cultural norms for feminine and masculine behaviour).

Theme 3:
Process in relating This theme discusses about the process of relating which is obtained through several direct categories, namely how to get a partner, location and obstacles in establishing this homosexual relationship.
Participants stated that they obtain partners through both acquaintances and mutual friends. They meet and get acquainted, after which they get to know each other more and finally engage in sexual activity.
This statement is in line with the research of Handayani (2013) which states that gays are patenting their existence through groups and gay communities. They often gather at night cafes, shopping centre or karaoke parlour to meet and get acquainted.
Sexual activities, they often do in hotels and even at home. This place is an alternative place for sexual activity because according to them it is safe from social control. Constraints experienced by gays in conducting relationships are the existence of excessive jealousy on couples which leads to fights. Homosexual behaviour is an effort to fulfil sexual needs either by gaining love, acceptance and identity through sexual intimacy with people of the same sex (Wardana, 2014) Constraints experienced by gays in conducting relationships are the existence of excessive jealousy for couples which can lead to fights. Homosexual behaviour is an effort to fulfil sexual needs either by getting love, acceptance and identity through sexual intimacy with people of the same sex (Comiskey, 2012).

Theme 4:
Pair Selection Participants of this study revealed that choosing men as sex partners appear to be more appealing because they think that dealing with women has more risk. When choosing to connect with women, more factors need be considered, such as the location to have sex. If men and women are in one place, they will invite suspicion. When dealing with men, there will be no suspicion from the surrounding people.
Participants revealed when having sexual intercourse with the same kind, they felt comfort and freedom unlike sexual relations with the opposite sex, where they feel afraid of being suspected by the surrounding community when they are together. The sense of comfort that is felt with a similar partner is different from similar partner pairs. This comfort will also affect their sexual orientation.
Along with the findings of Eldasswinda (2015), where the viewpoints and perceptions of the subject will meet a lot of obstacles when dealing with women without official ties, which is inversely proportional to choosing men as sex partners that can be done at any time without thinking of risks and obstacles.

Theme 5: Potential Physical and Psychosocial Problems
This same-sex intercourse can cause various kinds of problems both from potential physical problems and even responses from people around them which results in psychosocial problems. If this problem is not immediately resolved, it will have fatal consequences. The potential physical problems that may arise in gays is the risk of contracting HIV / AIDS while psychosocial problems, is a negative branding on gay people from the surrounding community.
This study has 2 participants revealing the potential physical problems and 3 participants revealing negative psychosocial responses from people around as a result of their current sexual orientation. The physical problems of the participants are sexually transmitted diseases, while the psychosocial problems were the ridicule that participants got from their closest friends and people.
This finding is also supported by Nugroho's research (2010) revealing that subjects have concerns about contracting HIV / AIDS from their sexual activities. Anxiety about the risk of organ damage is also another problem in similar sexual activity. Oral and anal activities increase the risk of organ damage.
In line with the results of previous studies, homosexuals who were found to have sexually transmitted diseases were even infected with HIV. This is due to the lack of lubrication in anal sex which causes injury to the penis and anal mucosa which results in ease of virus transmission. Lesions on the mouth or wounds on the penis due to venereal disease can be a way for HIV to enter the bloodstream (John, 2012).

Theme 6:
The concept of sexual orientation Self-concept is learned from social contacts and experiences related to others. In this study the self-concept of men with same-sex sexual orientation did not cover all aspects. Only a few points appear and become categories in this study. These categories are body image, self-esteem, and self-identity. According to Agustiani, 2009 the overall awareness or perception of a person about himself is a picture of oneself or individual self-concept. Agustiani also mentioned that Self Concept and Interpersonal Communication in Mentoring have a strong influence on one's behaviour. By knowing one's self concept, it will be easier to predict and understand the behaviour of that person. Staines (in Stuart and Sudden, 1995) says selfconcept has an important role in the formation of a person's personality pattern because it is the core pattern of personality. This concept affects various traits in a person.
From the results of the study, there were two participants who stated that their body image was disturbed; this was caused by the physical limitations of the participants, in line with what was conveyed by Hurlock (1980, p. 355) The nickname that resulted in mockery or originating from physical disability will have a negative effect on the self-concept of an individual. The individual will be a person who is not confident, has low selfesteem and find it difficult accept themselves. However, if the individual has a beautiful name and has a good character or physique, it will have a positive effect on his concept.
In addition, there are points of selfesteem that influences the self-concept of homosexuality. A study conducted by Novena in 2011 states that experience about evaluating others for one self will have a positive effect if the experience is pleasant but will instead have a negative effect if the experience is unpleasant.
The results of the study found a cause of confidence and recognition from participants that influenced the self-concept of participants. The confidence expressed by the participants is a form of self-confidence with what they owned and recognition from participants about the deficiencies that are felt by them.
The more important thing that needs to be known for a homosexual is the identification of sex that is in accordance with the nature at birth. The results of the study found that 5 out of 6 participants admitted that they were male but has a homosexual orientation.

Theme 7:
Parenting and Mother's Role In this theme the researchers found two sub-themes that could be developed namely the form of parenting in the family and the role of the mother. The sub-theme forms of parenting that the researchers found are authoritarian and permissive parenting forms. The researchers concluded that family background cannot be generalized to be a factor causing an individual to behave as a homosexual. The factor that influences sexual behaviour is parenting.
The researcher classified the participants into two forms of parenting based on observations and results of research interviews. There were 2 participants who had to follow the rules and regulations made by their parents which, if not followed, will lead to punishment such as confinement. There were 2 participants who revealed that their parents are aware of their sexual orientation and is ashamed of it which leads to the participant feeling like an orphan.
The results of Nugroho's study (2009) mentions that relationship between subjects and parents who have been poor since childhood leads to distaste in a child towards their parents. Problems in the family causes the subject seek love from outside home.
In addition, dominating role of a mother in a family is one of the factors that influence family members to become homosexual.
Things expressed by participants about mothers who have more roles as disciplinarians and sources of security and comfort so that participants are closer to the mother than the father.
There was even a participant who revealed that the decision makers were mostly mothers.
According to Nugroho (2009), parenting in a family greatly affects the subject's sexual orientation. Subjects that grow up in a less harmonious family environment who experience dominance of the mother and passivity of the father in the household will create confusion in the subject's identification.
In this study, the researchers argued that the role of mothers towards family members influences the development of individual behaviour, because family is the first place of learning for individuals.
Likewise, boys who grow up in families that are dominated by women will pick up the habits from that environment. Affection from excessive sisters and mothers can lead to feminine traits in boys. Although the closeness of mother and child is not wrong, this can lead to a boy becoming feminine. From the dominant influence of the mother affecting the development of homosexuality (Cahyo, 2009).

Theme 8:
Strengthening the choice of gender status The last experience of life as a homosexual discussed by the researches and participants where family desires and the normalization of the participant's sexual orientation. In this context the participants expressed their desire to get married and reduce same-sex sexual intercourse and return to liking women.
Four participants had hopes to quit their sexual activities with men and have the desire to marry women. Besides that, it turns out there are participants who have other desires, namely a participant hoped that his sexual orientation can be accepted in the eyes of the community that there will be no discrimination against him and one participant even hoped to become a complete woman by having a womb.
Things that have been attempted by participants who have the desire to change are staying away from things that are related to their current sexual activity, evidenced by the existence of three participants who have tried to reduce sexual activity and even avoiding things related to sexual orientation altogether. One of the participants tried a spiritual approach by getting closer to God and praying a lot.
In every effort that is carried out it turns out there are still many obstacles to achieving it, one of them being the temptation of having sex, evidenced by three participants who expressed that they find it difficult to stay away from their sexual preference. One participant tried to have a relationship with a woman but finds it difficult to stray away from his homosexual.

CONCLUSION
Based on the results of this study, the conclusions obtained are as follows: This study resulted in 8 themes about life experiences as homosexuals, as follows: 1) causes of similar relationships, 2) initial experience related 3) processes in relating, 4) partner selection, 5) potential physical and psychosocial problems, 6) concepts of sexual orientation, 7) parenting and mother's role, 8) strengthening gender status choices.
The cause of the participants' sexual orientation varied. The lead causes are the influence of friends who had been dominated by the invitation of friends who had previously been exposed to deviant sexual activities and social media exposure.
The initial experiences related to the participants include physical responses, namely the treatment of groping to finally having sexual intercourse. The psychological response conveyed by the participants is in the form of expressions of addiction, the presence of comfort, and the form of attention given by the couple even though they felt awkward at first.
The process of relating is obtained through obtaining partners, locations and obstacles in establishing this homosexual relationship.
Participants stated that they got a partner from an acquaintance or mutual friends. They do most of their sexual activity in hotels. Home is an alternative place for sexual activity because according to them it is safe from social control. As revealed by previous studies, these minorities are looking for a safer place for sexual activity so that their actions are not known by others.
Selection of partner answers some of the reasons as to why some participants are more comfortable choosing men to be their partners. Participants expressed that they feel free to connect without being suspected, free from consequences and have no fear and guilt.
Same-sex intercourse can cause various kinds of problems such as potential physical problems and even responses from people around them which results in psychological problems. If this problem is not immediately resolved, it will have fatal consequences both parties. One of the physical consequences of homosexuality is the contraction of HIV / AIDS.
Self-concept is learned from social contacts and experiences related to others. In this study the self-concept of men with same-sex sexual orientation did not cover all aspects. Only a few things emerged and were categorized in this study. These categories are body image, self-esteem, and self-identity.

RECOMMENDATIONS
Nursing-specific health services can provide nursing care by providing support, motivation and health education for patients, families and communities related to the effects of similar sexual activities so that the community, family, and individuals themselves are able to guard themselves from the influence of deviant behaviour and their surrounding communities are expected to avoid stigmatizing and discriminating these minorities.